zukkokya: (amusement much)
[personal profile] zukkokya
Title: The Safe Zone
Fandom: JE - Various
Pairing/characters: Appearances by Matchy, SMAP, TOKIO, V6, KinKi Kids, Arashi, Tackey & Tsubasa, KAT-TUN, NEWS, Kanjani∞, Kis-My-Ft2, HSJ, and Sexy Zone
Rating: R for language
Word Count: 3,200~
Disclaimer: Total fiction.
Summary: Hina makes Sexy Zone cry, leading to mandatory therapy sessions for all the debuted units.
Note: Thank you, [livejournal.com profile] spurious, for looking this over and for general awesomeness. ♥

To ensure the upkeep of their collective sanity, the managers of all debuted Johnny’s units meet once every other month at a designated location for drinking and bitching. It really should happen more often (if only for the sake of the managers of Arashi, who always wind up sprawled on the floor sobbing incomprehensibly about the healing power of rainbows, porn, and everlasting friendship), but because of the scheduling involved, it’s nearly impossible to make the meetings happen any more frequently.

However, exactly two weeks after the managers’ most recent meeting, Hina snaps and repeatedly tsukkomis all the members of Sexy Zone on live TV, making three of them cry and one run backstage to barricade himself in a dressing room. Immediately, the outraged mothers and aunts of Sexy Zone call in to the studio, baying for Hina’s blood. Sexy Zone’s manager responds to the families on Hina’s behalf as best he can, but as soon as he hangs up with the barely-pacified mother of eleven-year-old Marius (who, he doesn’t mention, has maaaybe kind of gotten stuck up in the rafters), he sends out a mass email begging the other managers for help.

Naturally, that turns into an emergency drinking party in Shibuya.

“Well,” Takki’s manager says. “That’s Murakami-kun.”

Hina’s manager nods, sheepish. “I talked to him after the show. He’s willing to apologize during his next scheduled appearance.”

“That should appease the families, right?” Aiba’s manager asks. “And maybe the fans?”

Ryo’s manager hums thoughtfully. “Probably, unless Murakami-kun was wearing his rings.”

Sexy Zone’s manager grimaces. Nagase’s manager pours him another shot.

“Did anyone manage to get Marius off the ceiling?” Okada’s manager asks.

Sexy Zone’s manager abandons the shot glass and picks up the bottle.

Yamapi’s manager pats him on the shoulder and says, “It’ll be okay. Isn’t it good that the members of Sexy Zone are learning about the challenges that come with this job early?”

“The challenge of keeping one’s composure in difficult situations,” Hina’s manager says, nodding.

“The challenge of ducking,” Ryo’s manager counters.

“Oh, relax,” Kis-My-Ft2’s manager says. “Getting a tsukkomi from Murakami-kun is a rite of passage. Every member of Kisumai’s gotten at least ten—a year—since they joined the company.”

“I think Sexy Zone got at least fifty between the five of them today,” Matsujun’s manager murmurs. Arashi’s other managers chuckle into their beer mugs.

Sexy Zone’s manager twitches and takes a bottle of shochu from Kame’s manager’s table.

“Well, Murakami-kun’s been under a great deal of stress lately,” Hina’s manager says.

Arashi’s managers go silent, lifting their heads as one and staring at him with force until Hina’s manager coughs and excuses himself to use the bathroom. Arashi’s managers go back to their drinks one by one, but Nino’s manager can’t quite snap out of it, mumbling to herself and squeezing her cell phone until Ohno’s manager pries her fingers loose and replaces the phone with a squishable GANTZ stress ball. Whenever she squeezes it, the weapons chambers pop out.

“It’s been a particularly rough year for everyone,” TegoMass’s manager says. “And with the end of the year activities happening so soon, I think all the talents are feeling more on-edge than usual.”

NEWS’s manager hums agreement and confesses, “Kato-kun poured his water bottle all over the crotch of a life-size cutout of Yamashita-kun. And then giggled to himself for half an hour.”

Tsubasa’s manager adds, “Tsubasa-kun bought eleven new cleaning appliances last week and then locked himself in his house to clean for two days straight.”

“Aiba-chan’s trying to increase his stamina by running throughout the night in a cheetah costume.”

“Senga-kun’s been having a recurring nightmare that he’s being chased by horny sea turtles with the heads of TOKIO.”

The GANTZ stress ball bursts.

Kame’s manager lifts her eyebrows. “I think all of them need therapy,” she says.

Hina’s manager says, “I think we need it more. But yeah, let’s start with Murakami-kun.”


-APPOINTMENT TRANSCRIPT LOG-


DATE: MONDAY
TIME: 10:45-11:45
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Murakami Shingo

HAYASHIDA: Do you think you have trouble with aggression?
MURAKAMI: I’m not aggressive.
HAYASHIDA: It says here that you beat the children of Sexy Zone on a live television program.
MURAKAMI: I wasn’t beating them! It was a tsukkomi!
HAYASHIDA: Repeatedly.
MURAKAMI: It was deserved.
HAYASHIDA: What were these multiple tsukkomi in response to?
MURAKAMI: Their name.
HAYASHIDA: “Sexy Zone”?
MURAKAMI: That’s right.
HAYASHIDA: Did someone bring up the name?
MURAKAMI: No, it’s just been bothering me. It’s a stupid name.
HAYASHIDA: Did the members of Sexy Zone choose that name?
MURAKAMI: …Nnno, but I can’t exactly tsukkomi Johnny-san.
HAYASHIDA: So you projected your frustration onto the members of Sexy Zone?
MURAKAMI: Sure.
HAYASHIDA: I also have some written complaints here.
MURAKAMI: From whom?
HAYASHIDA: They’re anonymous.
MURAKAMI: …Let me see the handwriting.
HAYASHIDA: They’re typed. The first one says: “Murakami-kun has ignored numerous charges against his unprovoked violence. In the future, I believe he should be put through a circuit of Arashi-based member love training.”
MURAKAMI: …
HAYASHIDA: The next says: “He made me bite my tongue last week. And the week before. And the week before that. And the—”
MURAKAMI: Well, if he didn’t keep making weird faces with his tongue out that wouldn’t happen!
HAYASHIDA: Um.
MURAKAMI: What?
HAYASHIDA: The next says: “I like it.”
MURAKAMI: …
HAYASHIDA: So does this one. And this one.
MURAKAMI: …Sure. They love it when I hit them. They ask me to do it with rings on.
HAYASHIDA: Really.
MURAKAMI: That’s normal, right?



“He’s expecting the six of you tomorrow,” Ryo’s manager says.

“Aw, what?” Yoko whines.

“If I have to do this bullshit, I’m taking you all down with me,” Hina says.



DATE: WEDNESDAY
TIME: 14:00-15:00(+20)
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Yokoyama Kimitaka, Shibutani Subaru, Maruyama Ryuhei, Yasuda Shota, Nishikido Ryo, Ohkura Tadayoshi

HAYASHIDA: I see. And who do you think is the most frequent offender, Shibutani-san?
SHIBUTANI: All of them.
YOKOYAMA: That’s not true!
HAYASHIDA: Yokoyama-san, please.
SHIBUTANI: But him especially.
YOKOYAMA: OI!
SHIBUTANI: He and Murakami won’t admit to their love and it’s making the whole group suffer.
YOKOYAMA: WE ARE NOT IN LOVE. TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR CRUSH ON RYO-CHAN.
NISHIKIDO: O-oi!
YOKOYAMA: AND YOUR BOOTY CALLS WITH YASU. AND YOUR WEIRD SEX THING WITH MARU.
SHIBUTANI: WE WATCH PORN TOGETHER. THAT’S NORMAL!
YOKOYAMA: WITH COLLARS AND CHAINS ON?
SHIBUTANI: WE’RE PASSIONATE ABOUT OUR HOBBIES.
HAYASHIDA: PLEASE, EVERYONE QUIET DOWN! N-now. Ah. Ohkura-kun, you haven’t spoken at all since you arrived. … Ohkura-kun?
YASUDA: He’s asleep.
HAYASHIDA: …What? No, he isn’t.
YASUDA: Er, yes. He sleeps with his eyes open sometimes.
HAYASHIDA: Do you mind waking him?
OHKURA: I’m not asleep.
NISHIKIDO: HOLY FUCK! … Um. Sorry.
OHKURA: Get your hand off my onigiri.
NISHIKIDO: …
SHIBUTANI: That’s what he said.



“Is this about the water I spilled on Yamashita-kun’s cutout by accident?” Shige asks, eyes narrowed.

“No,” their manager lies.



DATE: THURSDAY
TIME: 09:00-10:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Kato Shigeaki, Koyama Keiichirou, Masuda Takahisa, Tegoshi Yuya








KOYAMA: Thank you for having us.
HAYASHIDA: You’re welcome.



“We really don’t care about Jin anymore,” Kame tells his manager.

“We support him,” Nakamaru says, smiling.

“Yeah, that,” Kame amends.



DATE: FRIDAY
TIME: 16:00-17:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Kamenashi Kazuya, Nakamaru Yuuichi, Tanaka Koki, Taguchi Junnosuke, Ueda Tatsuya

HAYASHIDA: …
NAKAMARU: ……
HAYASHIDA: ………
NAKAMARU: …………
HAYASHIDA: I’ll try calling them again.
NAKAMARU: Okay.



“Nakai-san, please stop laughing.”



DATE: SATURDAY
TIME: 12:00-13:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Nakai Masahiro, Kimura Takuya, Inagaki Goro, Kusanagi Tsuyoshi, Katori Shingo



Okada nods at his manager. “Sure. When?”



DATE: SATURDAY
TIME: 14:30-15:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Sakamoto Masayuki, Nagano Hiroshi, Inohara Yoshihiko, Morita Go, Miyake Ken, Okada Junichi

INOHARA: We’re fine.
SAKAMOTO: Well, since we’re here shouldn’t we…well. No, he’s right. We’re good.
HAYASHIDA: …
MIYAKE: I like your office.
OKADA: I was just thinking that!



Sexy Zone arrive together to find all of Kanjani∞ in the waiting room.

They sit, awkward and nervous, against the far wall.

Kanjani∞ smile at them.

And smile.

And smile.

“It’s nice to debut so quickly, isn’t it,” Yoko says.

“It’s so nice, it’s sexy,” Subaru says.

Hina shows his teeth.



DATE: SUNDAY
TIME: 11:00-12:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Nakajima Kento, Kikuchi Fuma, Sato Shori, Matsushima So, Marius Yo

HAYASHIDA: It’s all right. This is a safe zone.

HAYASHIDA: Ah.



“Why do we have to go in groups?” Yasu asks.

“Because no one trusts us,” Ohkura says.



DATE: MONDAY
TIME: 17:00-16:00(+25)
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Yokoyama Kimitaka, Shibutani Subaru, Murakami Shingo, Maruyama Ryuhei, Yasuda Shota, Nishikido Ryo, Ohkura Tadayoshi

MURAKAMI: We weren’t hazing them. We forgot the day of our appointment.
HAYASHIDA: They said you were giving them strange looks.
SHIBUTANI: We were just smiling.
HAYASHIDA: …Were they similar to Nishikido-san’s current smile?
NISHIKIDO: …[stops smiling]
YOKOYAMA: Um.



“Okay, good. And we can do this over the phone right?”

“I’m afraid not, Takizawa-kun.”

“…Skype?”



DATE: TUESDAY
TIME: 20:00-21:00 21:00-22:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Shibutani Subaru, Imai Tsubasa, Takizawa Hideaki

TAKIZAWA: I’m sorry this had to be so late. I called when I got the feeling my last meeting would run over.
HAYASHIDA: No, no, it’s all right. I was just surprised to get a call from my brother about the change in schedule. How do you know him?
TAKIZAWA: How? Huh. Well, he’s the brother of a stage manager I once worked with.
SHIBUTANI: …Let me see your contacts list.
TAKIZAWA: Eh?
SHIBUTANI: Never mind.
HAYASHIDA: So, gentlemen—
SHIBUTANI: I’m sorry to interrupt but, uh. They’re…not in my unit.
HAYASHIDA: No, they’re not, that’s true. An anonymous source felt there were some lingering frustrations from when you were younger that you may not have had the opportunity to air out.
SHIBUTANI: No. None.
TAKIZAWA: I’m fine.
IMAI: Mm.
HAYASHIDA: Imai-san?
IMAI: Hm?
HAYASHIDA: Are you all right?
IMAI: [nod]
HAYASHIDA: Can you speak?
IMAI: …
SHIBUTANI: [snicker]
HAYASHIDA: Shibutani-san, is there something funny?
SHIBUTANI: Yeth.
IMAI: [scowl]
TAKIZAWA: Subaru.
SHIBUTANI: Thorry.
IMAI: [sigh] This is kind of a recurring thing.
SHIBUTANI: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Truth?
IMAI: …
SHIBUTANI: Truce, I mean, truth! Truce! I’m not doing it on purpose now, I swear, I’m just nervous. You look scary when you’re pissed off, Tsubasa-kun.
HAYASHIDA: This is the lingering frustration you meant, Takizawa-san?
IMAI: Hide-kun!
TAKIZAWA: Yes, it is. Subaru, you have to stop making jokes about Tsubasa’s enunciation.
HAYASHIDA: …There aren’t any…other problems? Maybe some tension related to you, Takizawa-san?
TAKIZAWA: Me? No, not at all. Why would there be tension because of me?
SHIBUTANI: …
IMAI: …[facepalm]
HAYASHIDA: Is this also recurring?
IMAI/SHIBUTANI: Yes.
TAKIZAWA: …



Nino’s manager corners him after Arashi ni Shiyagare with imploring forehead lines.

“Ninomiya-kun—”

“Whatever it is, if it’s on my hour off, no,” he says.

“It’s not today’s?” she says hopefully.



DATE: WEDNESDAY
TIME: 07:00-08:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Ohno Satoshi, Ninomiya Kazunari

NINOMIYA: Shouldn’t we wait?
HAYASHIDA: For what?
OHNO: For the rest of Arashi.
NINOMIYA: Yeah.
HAYASHIDA: They’re not coming by today. This is meant to be more for you two.
NINOMIYA: …I don’t follow.
HAYASHIDA: Well, I’ve heard some…interesting things about the two of you specifically—
NINOMIYA: Yeah, we’re a thing. So?
OHNO: [nod]
HAYASHIDA: I felt that this wouldn’t be relevant to the rest of the group.
NINOMIYA: There are five people in this marriage, sir.
OHNO: [nod]



FROM: Lord of Chairs
TO: Kouchan ♥

Did I just see you on the escalator?

FROM: Master of Fast Forwarding Movies
TO: Lord of Chairs

You did. Tsuyoshi and I have a mandatory meeting with a therapist.

FROM: Lord of Chairs
TO: Kouchan ♥

Cool. I’ll come with you.



DATE: WEDNESDAY
TIME: 08:15-09:15
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Domoto Koichi, Domoto Tsuyoshi (+Nagase Tomoya)

NAGASE: But that was Sunday, and I usually spend Sundays without pants.
DOMOTO (K): Didn’t you wear jeggings on a Sunday this past April?
NAGASE: Yeah, but that was for Tsuyoshi’s birthday.
DOMOTO (T): A truly memorable gift.
HAYASHIDA: [scribbles notes]



“You don’t have to. I’m sure this is just for the younger generation.”

“I’ll drop by anyway.”



DATE: THURSDAY
TIME: 12:00-12:05
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Kondo Masahiko

HAYASHIDA: How are you?
KONDO: Very well, thank you.
HAYASHIDA: Well, I think that’s all I need. Thank you very much for your time. I’m sorry to have disturbed you.
KONDO: Not at all.



Nakamaru stops halfway through the sliding door when he realizes Koki’s not following him.

Koki’s still on the sidewalk, staring at him. “What?”

“Aren’t you coming?” Nakamaru asks.

Koki laughs. “I don’t talk about feelings; I’m a man. I just walked you here because I’m also a gentleman. Peace.”



DATE: FRIDAY
TIME: 18:00-19:00(+50)
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Kamenashi Kazuya, Nakamaru Yuuichi, Tanaka Koki, Taguchi Junnosuke, Ueda Tatsuya

HAYASHIDA: Should I—
NAKAMARU: Don’t bother. Do you have children?
HAYASHIDA: Yes…?
NAKAMARU: Let’s compare notes.



“Will the others be there?” Shige asks.

“Yes,” their manager lies.



DATE: SATURDAY
TIME: 08:00-09:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Yamashita Tomohisa, Kato Shigeaki

YAMASHITA: …
KATO: …
HAYASHIDA: Kato-san, what are you feeling now that Yamashita-san’s opened up to you?
YAMASHITA: …I’m sorry, Shige.
KATO: …
HAYASHIDA: Kato-san, if we try the hug again, will you bite him again?
KATO: I told you, he got in the way of a yawn.
YAMASHITA: …
KATO: …



Nino stops short. “You.”

“Hello, Ninomiya-kun!”



DATE: SATURDAY
TIME: 15:45-16:45
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Ninomiya Kazunari, Chinen Yuri

CHINEN: Will Ohno-kun be here?
NINOMIYA: …I’m also curious about that.
HAYASHIDA: No, he won’t. Chinen-san, please tell Ninomiya-san what you told me in our last session.
CHINEN: Oh. Uh. Should I read my poems?
HAYASHIDA: Aren’t those for Ohno-kun?
CHINEN: Yes, but I thought we could bond over the message in them!
NINOMIYA: …What the multicolored fuck.



“And then Kato-kun bit him again,” Tegoshi’s manager says.

Tegoshi tips his head to one side. “Maybe it’s best if I go in on my own next time.”



DATE: MONDAY
TIME: 16:00-17:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Tegoshi Yuya

TEGOSHI: I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to talk about that, Ichiro.
HAYASHIDA: [sniff]
TEGOSHI: I’m sorry. I have to leave now, but I’ll be back next week for our next appointment.
HAYASHIDA: Yes. Right. Thank you.



"Trust me," Nagase says. "It's fun."



DATE: MONDAY
TIME: 19:00-20:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Joshima Shigeru, Nagase Tomoya, Matsuoka Masahiro, Kokubun Taichi, Yamaguchi Tatsuya

KOKUBUN: So you didn't mean to tell Tegoshi-kun all of that?
HAYASHIDA: Not at all. But he's very persuasive.
KOKUBUN: Ahh, I see.
HAYASHIDA: And he's very good at asking...questions.
NAGASE: Hey, did you get that wood carving from Okada? You know it's a robot penis, right?
HAYASHIDA: This has been a very...off-day for me, gentlemen.
JOSHIMA: That's fine. We're enjoying it.



Yoko eyes Subaru. “Why are you here?” He eyes Hina. “Why are you here?”

Subaru blinks. “Um.”

Hina shrugs. “I genuinely have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.”



DATE: TUESDAY
TIME: 17:00-18:00(+30min)
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Yokoyama Kimitaka, Shibutani Subaru, Murakami Shingo

YOKOYAMA: I’m not in love with him.
MURAKAMI: It’s fine if you are.
YOKOYAMA: What? … WHAT?
SHIBUTANI: ADMIT IT TO HIM.
YOKOYAMA: BUT IT ISN’T TRUE.
MURAKAMI: I won’t hate you, Kimi-kun.
SHIBUTANI: LISTEN TO HIM.
YOKOYAMA: I WANT TO GO HOME. THIS IS SO HUMILIATING. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS. I’M NOT EVEN THAT CRAZY.
SHIBUTANI: JUST CRAZY IN LOVE.
YOKOYAMA: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!
MURAKAMI: [sigh]



Kis-My-Ft2’s manager has a weird sense of humor.

He sends them a mass email reading:

Happy debut, have some therapy!



DATE: WEDNESDAY
TIME: 13:00-14:00
NAME OF PATIENT(S): Kitayama Hiromitsu, Senga Kento, Miyata Toshiya, Yokoo Wataru, Fujigaya Taisuke, Tamamori Yuta, Nikaido Takahashi

SENGA: [shuffles feet]
HAYASHIDA: And how did other units’ debuting affect you?
FUJIGAYA: Well, we wanted to debut ourselves, obviously.
SENGA: [shuffle]
FUJIGAYA: But over time—
HAYASHIDA: Excuse me, Fujigaya-san. Senga-san?
SENGA: Eh? Yes? [shuffle]
HAYASHIDA: Do your feet hurt?
SENGA: …No, why? [shuffle]
HAYASHIDA: You’ve been sliding your feet on the carpet. Didn’t you notice?
SENGA: No. It’s kind of a habit. And it feels really good! [shuffle]
NIKAIDO: Er, sorry, Doctor. Senga, come here. [pets Senga’s hair]
HAYASHIDA: I…see. Do you always do that to make him stop?
NIKAIDO: Stop?
SENGA: [shuffle]



As Johnny skims through the transcripts, Hayashida says, “Following the transcripts is a full report based on my observations along with suggestions for the future.”

Johnny nods and feeds the documents through the shredder by his desk. Hayashida gapes, his voice lost, as Johnny proceeds to open the lid of the shredder and pour in the dregs of his coffee.

“Thank you for giving this your best effort,” Johnny says. “Please take a free sample of Akanishi-kun’s ‘Test Drive’ on your way out.”

“I…I. That’s it?”

“Yes,” Johnny says. “They’re about as crazy as they should be. Have a nice day, Doctor.”
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