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Title: Adjusted Expectations
Fandom: JE - Kanjani∞
Pairing/characters: Hints of many pairings (and outright Subaru/Yasu because I in no way attempted subtlety there)
Rating: R
Word Count: 3,200~
Disclaimer: Total fiction.
Summary: A look at every pair within K8 as roommates.
Note: So, K8 recently had a magazine interview where they were asked which member they'd want to live with. I was intrigued enough by this question to do this. XD

Subaru + Yoko

They put Subaru’s TV in the living room, and then they stack their games in their respective DVD cases on either side of the TV. When they’re finished, Subaru wanders off into his room to alphabetize his porn by kink, and Yoko hooks up his PS3 and Wii, then plays a three-hour test run of Dinosaur Slayer.

He doesn’t bother pausing his game when Subaru calls out, “DO EYELASHES FALL UNDER FACIAL HAIR OR BODY HAIR?” He just shouts back, “NEW CATEGORY,” as he slices through a velociraptor’s belly.

Subaru + Hina

Hina’s not prone to fits of hermitlike behavior, so when six hours have gone by with no sound from Hina’s side of the apartment, Subaru knocks on his door.


Startled, Subaru opens the door and jumps back when Hina screams.

A cockroach darts over Subaru’s foot, across the hallway, and under the bathroom sink.

Hina steps off his capsized bookshelf, sinks into a crouch, and makes another agonized noise.

It would seem that Subaru will have to be the strong one today.

Subaru + Ryo

Ryo doesn’t know what Subaru’s bedroom looks like. It’s across the hall and theoretically Ryo could open the door while Subaru’s not at home, but Subaru’s home a lot and Ryo doesn’t want to pry.

Mainly it’s the first reason.

He’s really curious, though. Maybe once they’ve lived together another year he’ll be brave enough to look.

Subaru +Ohkura

Subaru learns how to cook eggs while Ohkura’s sitting on the floor five feet away eating a bowl of plain rice fresh from the rice cooker. It’s not like Subaru even intended to cook the eggs – he was moving Ohkura’s bagged groceries off the counter so he could reach his ramen and the carton of eggs just kind of burst open over the pot of boiling water.

Subaru’s bellow of panic drags Ohkura’s attention away from his food. Without a pause in his chewing, Ohkura eases up to his feet and wanders over to the stove.

Subaru watches six eggs bob in the water in which he’d planned to cook his noodles.

“Can I still take them out?” Subaru wonders.

Ohkura hums. “S…ure?”

Subaru calls his mother, puzzled, and by the time she’s finished laughing, Ohkura’s already eaten three and declared them delicious.

Genius is sometimes late to blossom. (Or so Subaru’s jweb declares.)

Subaru + Yasu

The doorbell rings, but Yasu’s not home, so Subaru walks on his toes over to the door to see who it is.

Uniformed man with a package, which is the best possible visitor: no communication beyond nodding and a gift.

Just…turn the doorknob. Eyes on the package. Not that package. The box. Eyes on the box.

The uniformed man pushes a notification slip into the mailbox and leaves.

When Yasu gets home, Subaru gives him a blowjob and then hands him a phone and the notification slip.

Subaru + Uchi

Uchi lures Subaru into a false sense of security during their first three months living together. He shares his porn and he doesn’t invite friends over, and he never knocks on Subaru’s bedroom door. They only speak when Subaru’s on his way from the bathroom, which is, unexpectedly, something Subaru appreciates.

Then the fourth month begins and Uchi’s need to impress Subaru starts to fade.

He invites friends over with more and more frequency and he starts wandering into Subaru’s room to talk about things Subaru doesn’t care about. He even stops hiding his girlier hair and face products in the bathroom, and he cries when Subaru accidentally uses his 29,000 yen facial cleanser as hand soap. But he still shares his porn, and so they remain roommates.

Subaru + Maru

The staring contest begins at four in the morning when they cross paths on the way to the bathroom. After thirty seconds Maru turns on the hallway light, just as a formality.

Subaru’s bladder is smaller, so he cedes the fight with a wail of frustration and sprints to the bathroom. Maru does a tiny victory dance that he has to stop immediately before his own bladder bursts.

Yoko + Hina

Hina hands Yoko a glass of something frosty and pink, but it’s too nice of a gesture too early in the morning and Yoko doesn’t know how to react. So he says, “What’s in it,” in as neutral a voice as possible.

Hina frowns. “It’s a smoothie. I made more than I meant to. Take it.”

Yoko blushes.

Hina’s frown transforms into a glower. “Drink it.”

Yoko swipes the glass and retreats to his room. He forgets to say “thank you,” though, so he feels guilty and won’t leave his room until he hears Hina head off to work.

Yoko + Ryo

Ryo’s a soul-deep bitch in the morning, so Yoko starts filming him as a method of training Ryo to be a kinder human being at all times of the day.

Two weeks later, to Ryo’s mortification, Yoko showcases the footage on their newest regular show.

Ryo doesn’t miraculously become a morning person, but watching him try to smile when he really just wants to chew on someone’s face entertains Yoko enough to make up for it.

Yoko + Ohkura

Sometimes Yoko doesn’t know if Ohkura’s home or not. For one thing, Ohkura sleeps a lot – even more than Yoko’d expect – and also, he always keeps his door closed. Even when Yoko yells, “I’m home!” while he’s taking off his shoes in the entryway, Ohkura only responds if he wants to.

This isn’t really a huge problem. It’s just that…well. When Yoko really wants to jerk off, Ohkura being home is a problem, because if he can hear Ohkura when he does it, Ohkura would definitely hear him.

Yoko + Yasu

There’s nothing in the kitchen that he can just, like, grab. No fruit or snacks or even beer. All of the food he owns requires some kind of preparation that would make noise. He’d have to open the fridge to get at the food and then use the microwave, and then Yasu would hear him in the kitchen and, like, try to talk to him.

So Yoko doesn’t eat on Tuesday.

At least he’s losing weight with Yasu as a roommate.

Yoko + Uchi

Uchi’s stuff is all cool — he’s got cool clothes and cool movies and music and he himself just seems kind of…cool. Which is not the kind of Uchi Yoko always wanted Uchi to grow into. Yoko kind of always wanted Uchi to remain their ridiculous yet beloved kid brother who, for whatever insane reason, looked up to him. But instead he’s this nice, cool guy who’s been through hell but turned out fine and even seems to like himself.

Uchi’s awesome.

But Yoko’s not so awesome, and his stuff is even less so, so he keeps his stuff in his room in storage containers in case Uchi ever knocks on his bedroom door.

He lives for a few weeks in utter misery, hating to go home where he feels like Uchi’s kid brother, until one night when he opens his bedroom door and finds Uchi sprawled on his bed with some of Yoko’s video games spread out in front of him.

Before Yoko can panic or bitch about invasions of privacy, Uchi looks up at him with the awe of a twelve-year-old and says, “You’re awesome, Yokocho, how did you get this before the release date?”

Yoko stammers out some answer, too stunned by the unexpected warmth of pride to bother with coherence.

Yoko + Maru

Whenever Yoko hears weird noises from Maru’s bedroom, he digs out his headphones and cranks up the volume on his video games. If he’s not playing a video game when he hears the weird noises, he starts playing one.

Maru never mentions the weird noises and Yoko’s not about to mortify himself by bringing them up, so he complains about it on Recomen and in his jweb and to anyone in Eito who’ll stand still and pretend to listen to him for longer than three seconds.

Finally, Yoko can’t stand the curiosity anymore. He bitches about Maru’s double — no, triple — life during a concert MC for fifteen minutes and, when he pauses for breath, Maru says, “Next time you hear noises, you can knock and see what I’m doing.”

Yoko says, “Fine! I will!”

He never does.

Hina + Ryo

Ryo manages to keep the dog a secret for ten whole minutes after Hina gets home.

“We’re not allowed to have pets!” Hina yells.

The dog, as clueless as Yasu and as eager as Maru, runs straight into Hina’s leg.

“I know,” Ryo says, troubled. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to get rid of him. I’m really sorry, Murakami-kun. I should have closed the door faster. I’m so bad at being strict with animals, especially the cute ones.”

The dog starts humping Hina’s leg, beaming.

Hina names it Tiny Ossan.

Hina + Ohkura

See, here’s the problem: Ohkura’s in a drama right now, and filming goes really late sometimes. Grocery stores always close before he can get to them, and so his side of the refrigerator is traumatizingly bare. There’s, like, one banana in it, and it’s rotten. There’s a post-it note stuck to it that says, “THIS IS BAD.”

And with that kind of bullying going on in his own home, it’s not really Ohkura’s fault that he eats Hina’s food sometimes. He needs comfort, and he prefers Hina’s food to his hugs.

Hina + Yasu

After one week, Hina helps Yasu pack, and Yasu moves.

Hina + Uchi

Uchi doesn’t knock on Hina’s bedroom door, he sprawls on Hina’s lap when Hina’s on the couch, he talks too much when Hina just wants to sit in silence, and he just expects Hina to put up with this.

Hina’s very confused as to why he does.

In public he smacks Uchi for being stupid and infantile because it’s annoying as fuck.

In their apartment, though, for whatever reason, it’s just endearing, and Hina just…lets it go.

It’s creeping him out enough that he wants to move.

Hina + Maru

Hina ignores all the signs of his impending flu until it’s on top of his chest and pushing down. He’s too nauseous to even consider moving out of his bed, but he absolutely can’t miss anything he’s scheduled for today. He closes his eyes, gives himself thirty seconds of guilt-free rest, and then shoves his upper body up and immediately bends in half over his knees. He sucks in a breath and holds it to keep from vomiting, stars erupting behind his eyelids.

There’s a knock on his bedroom door, but he ignores it.

After three more, Hina pounds on the floor with one hand. He hears the door open and Maru say, “Are you all right?”

Hina nods once even though he’s really not.

Maru makes a vague noise, disappears from the room, and leaves Hina to concentrate on the seemingly insurmountable task of standing up.

He’s still working on that when Maru kneels next to him with tea and decongestant and a box of tissues. He tries to wave Maru away, embarrassed, but Maru just says, “I’ll get us stuck in traffic,” and pounds on his back. It makes Hina feel like passing out, but he appreciates the gesture.

Ryo + Ohkura

Okay. Maybe Ryo accidentally used Ohkura’s towel, but it’s all Ohkura’s fault for buying a yellow towel. Ryo always showers early in the morning before he’s really awake, and one morning he just grabbed Ohkura’s towel because of its color. He realizes his mistake as he’s toweling off his crotch in his bedroom, but he’s too mortified to put it back, so he hides out in his room with the towel under his pillow.

That leaves Ohkura with the only options of using Ryo’s towel or air drying. Normally Ohkura would be all for air drying if faced with those two options, but it’s February and they haven’t turned the heat on yet today. The longer he debates with himself, the more annoyed he gets, and ultimately he figures he’s justified in taking the extra time to dry his ass cheeks with Ryo’s towel.

Ryo + Yasu

Yasu bought the couch and Ryo bought the kotatsu, so Ryo assumes they’re meant to adhere to their respective pieces of furniture. But then, in the middle of January, Ryo wakes up sprawled on the kotatsu next to his sheet music with Yasu’s leg over his and Yasu’s cheek on his shoulder.

Ryo + Uchi

Ryo’s watching the porn that Jin sent him on its lowest volume setting and he’s on the very edge of coming when Uchi opens the bedroom door and laughs.

“I knew you were jerking off!”

Ryo’s horny enough to believe he could shoot cum across the room onto Uchi’s smug face, but Uchi’d enjoy it too much, so he just hurls the remote instead.

Ryo + Maru

Ryo’s deeply disappointed by what he’s observed of Maru’s life now that they’ve lived together for a month. Maru does some weird stuff — he makes weird noises in his room and has some weird guests, but that’s nowhere near the level of weird Ryo always expected (and kind of hoped for).

One night when Maru’s microwaving his dinner, Ryo leans on the counter and talks about nothing for ten minutes, then blurts, “You’re hiding all your weird habits, aren’t you?”

Maru says, “Huh?”

“I just…” In the face of Maru’s apparently genuine confusion, Ryo’s confidence flags. “Uh. Never mind.”

Later that night he hears a blood-curdling shriek from Maru’s bedroom and Ryo sighs.

“Don’t humor me, Maru-chan!” he yells, and Maru opens his bedroom door, shamefaced, and says, “Sorry, Ryo-chan.”

Ohkura + Yasu

The week before Ohkura’s birthday, Yasu makes him a new pillowcase. The one he has is fine, but it’s too big for the pillow and it leaves marks on Ohkura’s face and Yasu thinks it must be uncomfortable when he sleeps. He feels bad that he has to sneak into Ohkura’s room to measure the pillow, but when he confesses his guilt to Subaru, Subaru blinks at him until Yasu feels like maybe it’s not such a terrible line to cross.

He finishes the pillowcase the night before Ohkura’s birthday and presents Ohkura with it as he’s on his way to bed.

“What is it?” Ohkura asks, opening the pillowcase. Yasu realizes he’s looking for a present inside the pillowcase.

“It’s a pillowcase,” Yasu says. Maybe he should have made something nicer. Or wrapped the pillowcase.

Ohkura looks at the pillowcase with a half-smirk that warns Yasu to run before Ohkura starts laughing at him and asks for his real present, but then Ohkura says, “It’s really soft,” with a quiet voice, and Yasu beams, relieved.

Ohkura + Uchi

Uchi suggests an eating contest and Ohkura stares at him, deeply skeptical.

Uchi calls in sick to work that night.

Ohkura has a midnight snack.

Ohkura + Maru

Maru gets a lot of visitors. The most frequent visitor is a forty-six-year-old woman named Jericho (Jellico?) from Kyoto with the same dialect as Maru. Ohkura feels like this is something he shouldn’t withhold from the other members, but he also gets the feeling from Maru that this isn’t a relationship he wants publicized. Ohkura waffles over whether he minds pissing off Maru and ultimately decides against it, if only to spare himself weeks of the silent treatment/wounded face combination.

Three years later, he has no idea who Jericho is, what she does, why she introduces herself every time she comes over, or why she calls Ohkura “Puppy.”

Yasu + Uchi

Yasu toes off his sneakers and lines them up against the wall so Uchi won’t trip on them when he gets home. He washes his hands in the bathroom sink, stretches out his stiff shoulders, and decides to draw a bath for Uchi. If he feels tired after an uneventful Janiben filming, Uchi will be exhausted after his much longer and much more physically taxing rehearsal.

Uchi can add his own bath bomb, though. Yasu’s never sure which scents he likes best.

Yasu + Maru

At three in the morning, Maru wakes up, uses the bathroom, and notices Yasu’s light on. He listens for music, hears none, and knocks on the door. When there’s no answer, he goes back to his own bedroom and stretches out on his futon.

A minute later, he hears Yasu’s door open and footsteps in the hallway. He tips his chin up to look at the door upside-down and says, “Come in,” after Yasu’s first knock.

Yasu slides the door open, bleary-eyed. “Did you knock?” he asks.

“I saw your light on,” Maru says. “Were you asleep?”

Yasu shrugs. “Not really. I was designing costumes but I ran into a block and I’ve just been dozing.”

Maru nods.

Yasu says, “Sorry. Anyway. Sleep well.” He slides the door shut and the sound of his footsteps diminishes.

But it’s a lonely thing to be awake alone at three in the morning. Maru gets up, picks up his bass, and takes a seat in the living room. He plucks chords aimlessly for a few minutes, and then he hears Yasu’s door open again. Yasu sits at the low table with his sketchbook and a mug of tea and continues drawing, just as aimlessly.

Uchi + Maru

Uchi’s tired and sweaty from work and still has to go out with Ryo in fifteen minutes, so he’s utilizing his precious free time lying on the floor like a starfish and singing a song about misery and strife. Maru walks through the living room in a towel, fresh from his shower, and asks, “What are you doing, Uchi-kun?”

“Ryo’s making me go out with him,” Uchi tells him. “I don’t want to.” He grabs at Maru’s towel, bored.

Maru lets him take the towel, looking amused, and when Ryo arrives, Uchi’s using the towel as a pillow and Maru’s still naked, sitting crosslegged on the floor and feeding Uchi slices of pineapple dipped in yoghurt.

Ryo hums, says, “I’m hungry,” and the three of them end up eating fruit on the floor for the next three hours.
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