the brave little playwright ♥
Dec. 11th, 2007 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zukkokya♥ Just saw my actors in Kate Crackernuts! I'm so proud of them. ♥♥♥! And the show itself is fantastic. I'm in love. Completely. The Sheep's speech at the end -- I'm sorry I can't remember it now -- it unlocked something in my heart. (Yes. Sheep. Baaaah. That kind. Seriously. XDDD)
I've been so afraid of this play I'm writing now, and of telling the story I want to tell wrong. I sent an early draft to my professor -- the head of the theatre department, the head of the playwriting program and my mentor -- and he responded, "Essentially it’s a story you’ve been wanting to write since your first play."
He's right, and it's petrifying. Exhilarating, terrifying, wonderful, awful, beautiful and ragged. I love this play, even though I've said over and over that I hate it. I don't hate it -- I hate how I've told it. I avoided writing it for weeks because I didn't want to show that much of myself. I didn't want to bleed ink onto the page. But tonight, seeing my friends and my actors onstage and listening to this weird, gorgeous story, I remembered what it can be to be a writer.
It's isolated. Warm. Radiant. Weightless. Effortless. It's a release. It's pure. I remembered my story, and the love I want everyone to feel. The same warmth and radiance and weightlessness that I feel when I imagine the story.
I had a horrible moment this week -- what triggered it isn't important anymore. I'd heard my play read aloud, and how trite it sounded. This story was not the story I want to tell. These characters were not the people I love. I left the building and stood in the rock garden, staring into the damp, smoky clouds and wanting someone to come after me and tell me what I'd just heard was only a nightmare. But I couldn't face anyone, so I went back inside and up to my room. My empty room. I paused in front of my bed, unearthed my cell phone from my bag and considered who I wanted to see me this heartbroken. I put the phone away, convinced I couldn't speak, and visited the room of one of my fellow playwrights, but she wasn't there. In the stairwell, one flight from my floor, I collapsed.
I felt, so strongly, that I'd betrayed myself. I wasn't brave enough to tell this story, so I cheapened it by writing close to the surface. I'd betrayed myself and my play.
I've never felt more ashamed of myself.
Since then, I've been comforted over and over by my friends and peers. Some understand better than others how much it hurts to think you've failed so publicly. What they've said to me helped a great deal, and I wouldn't imagine my life now without them. ♥
Kate Mulgrew told me recently that I would find the most frightening way of knowing myself completely in my solitude.
Tonight, after watching Sheila Callaghan's play, seeing so much raw truth and utter strangeness, I'm starting to understand.
I believe bravery is infinite. Love, in any form -- be it for yourself, a craft, a person -- is courage.
I love this story, and as long as I love it, it will be honest.
And honesty, I think, is all I ever want to aim for. In writing and in life.
♥ All this from a play called "Kate Crackernuts."
The tagline they're using to draw a crowd is, "Grab your nuts." I ... really love my major. XDDD
♥ I saw David and Jake after the show, and I hugged them both and I told them I'm proud of them and they'll always be my actors to me. I love those boys. My genius actors. *BEAMS*
♥ JE Epilogue Meme. I don't usually ask to be cheered up, but I think I could stand to do it more often. ♥
♥ Classes are finished! And still this is the busiest week imaginable. O__o Someone explain this to me, please. On the upside, my End-of-Semester massage got moved to tomorrow, so I had a full hour to write Yoko/Hina/Subaru and Subassan. ♥ :D
♥ I have to mention this because I watched it last night and I'm still rolling --
Reason Number 72*WEWJU@*&@@ Why Subaru is Amazing:
Half-awake whipping himself with a plastic snake moaning "kimochi."
Whenever I think I can't love him more. XDDD
Also, ridiculously hot/adorable half awake.
That whole hour, in fact, is magical. XDDD Ryo's such a puppy. And Ohkura smiling patiently because he's very amused by his psychotic coworkers. Hina going along with them because he recognizes karma. Cranky Yasu getting smacked, poked and slapped minutes after a Kanjani8 wake-up call. Yoko flailing with *_* face. BEWILDERED MARU. XDDD
When Merry-sensei gets back from Japan, I'm begging for a translation.
♥ Overall, am sleepy, but I'm happy. &hearts♥♥
Today's Hot Moment!
きょうのかっこいいしゅんかん!
Yasu: Oyahou gozaimasu!
Subaru: ...That is not where I left you.
チュ
-キラキラ！
♥♥♥
I've been so afraid of this play I'm writing now, and of telling the story I want to tell wrong. I sent an early draft to my professor -- the head of the theatre department, the head of the playwriting program and my mentor -- and he responded, "Essentially it’s a story you’ve been wanting to write since your first play."
He's right, and it's petrifying. Exhilarating, terrifying, wonderful, awful, beautiful and ragged. I love this play, even though I've said over and over that I hate it. I don't hate it -- I hate how I've told it. I avoided writing it for weeks because I didn't want to show that much of myself. I didn't want to bleed ink onto the page. But tonight, seeing my friends and my actors onstage and listening to this weird, gorgeous story, I remembered what it can be to be a writer.
It's isolated. Warm. Radiant. Weightless. Effortless. It's a release. It's pure. I remembered my story, and the love I want everyone to feel. The same warmth and radiance and weightlessness that I feel when I imagine the story.
I had a horrible moment this week -- what triggered it isn't important anymore. I'd heard my play read aloud, and how trite it sounded. This story was not the story I want to tell. These characters were not the people I love. I left the building and stood in the rock garden, staring into the damp, smoky clouds and wanting someone to come after me and tell me what I'd just heard was only a nightmare. But I couldn't face anyone, so I went back inside and up to my room. My empty room. I paused in front of my bed, unearthed my cell phone from my bag and considered who I wanted to see me this heartbroken. I put the phone away, convinced I couldn't speak, and visited the room of one of my fellow playwrights, but she wasn't there. In the stairwell, one flight from my floor, I collapsed.
I felt, so strongly, that I'd betrayed myself. I wasn't brave enough to tell this story, so I cheapened it by writing close to the surface. I'd betrayed myself and my play.
I've never felt more ashamed of myself.
Since then, I've been comforted over and over by my friends and peers. Some understand better than others how much it hurts to think you've failed so publicly. What they've said to me helped a great deal, and I wouldn't imagine my life now without them. ♥
Kate Mulgrew told me recently that I would find the most frightening way of knowing myself completely in my solitude.
Tonight, after watching Sheila Callaghan's play, seeing so much raw truth and utter strangeness, I'm starting to understand.
I believe bravery is infinite. Love, in any form -- be it for yourself, a craft, a person -- is courage.
I love this story, and as long as I love it, it will be honest.
And honesty, I think, is all I ever want to aim for. In writing and in life.
♥ All this from a play called "Kate Crackernuts."
The tagline they're using to draw a crowd is, "Grab your nuts." I ... really love my major. XDDD
♥ I saw David and Jake after the show, and I hugged them both and I told them I'm proud of them and they'll always be my actors to me. I love those boys. My genius actors. *BEAMS*
♥ JE Epilogue Meme. I don't usually ask to be cheered up, but I think I could stand to do it more often. ♥
♥ Classes are finished! And still this is the busiest week imaginable. O__o Someone explain this to me, please. On the upside, my End-of-Semester massage got moved to tomorrow, so I had a full hour to write Yoko/Hina/Subaru and Subassan. ♥ :D
♥ I have to mention this because I watched it last night and I'm still rolling --
Reason Number 72*WEWJU@*&@@ Why Subaru is Amazing:
Half-awake whipping himself with a plastic snake moaning "kimochi."
Whenever I think I can't love him more. XDDD
Also, ridiculously hot/adorable half awake.
That whole hour, in fact, is magical. XDDD Ryo's such a puppy. And Ohkura smiling patiently because he's very amused by his psychotic coworkers. Hina going along with them because he recognizes karma. Cranky Yasu getting smacked, poked and slapped minutes after a Kanjani8 wake-up call. Yoko flailing with *_* face. BEWILDERED MARU. XDDD
When Merry-sensei gets back from Japan, I'm begging for a translation.
♥ Overall, am sleepy, but I'm happy. &hearts♥♥
Today's Hot Moment!
きょうのかっこいいしゅんかん!
Yasu: Oyahou gozaimasu!
Subaru: ...That is not where I left you.
チュ
-キラキラ！
♥♥♥
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:15 am (UTC)Serious stuff aside: wasn't that waking up thing marvelous? It kind of makes me wish I'd ordered the RE. Ohkura falling asleep on his feet was hilarious, and grumpy!Maru and Ryo being adorably silly and Yasu never sleeping and Hina making an idiot of himself. And Subaru was just...special. Very special. XD
Also, I quite love your hot moment of the day.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:27 am (UTC)That's what I keep hearing, and what I've come to respect about this play. Initially I thought it would be easiest since it's the story I most want to tell right now. But I forgot that the whole bare-your-soul part is actually rather terrifying.
It sounds kind of trite to say this under the circumstances, but good luck. I'm sure you'll succeed in telling the story that you want, but I hope it doesn't drive you too crazy in the interim.
This means a lot to me. So -- not trite. :) ♥
Serious stuff aside: wasn't that waking up thing marvelous?
YES! XDDDD I swear, Ryo is a puppy. A genuine puppy. It's like that Eargasm clip. When the woman wakes him up and he's all adorably blinky and wide-eyed. Just. Come on, Ryo! Play fair! *wibbles*
Subaru is endlessly awesome. XDDD I love Hina reaching to restrain him going, "Okay, okay."
And I love that they didn't edit that whole thing out somehow. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:32 am (UTC)He really is (sometimes, anyway). Sleepy and/or embarrassed Ryo is my favorite thing ever, just because he's so ridiculously adorable.
It is weird that they let Subaru get away with something that questionable, but it doesn't entirely surprise me. Japan has odd standards sometimes (see also: that dominatrix lady who keeps showing up on TV shows). Anyway, I think everyone expects that sort of thing from him by now.
My favorite part, I think, was still that they made Ohkura, Maru and Ryo wake up two nights in a row just because Yasu hadn't gone to bed yet on the first night, and then the second night still sort of failed because Yasu had just gone to sleep. They all looked so dead the second time around, and Ohkura looked very amusingly pissed off. XD
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:38 am (UTC)My favorite part, I think, was still that they made Ohkura, Maru and Ryo wake up two nights in a row just because Yasu hadn't gone to bed yet on the first night, and then the second night still sort of failed because Yasu had just gone to sleep.
XDDDD Is that what happened? I need to watch it a second time. Poor Ohkura, the sweetie. Although in all honesty, the boy does "annoyed" very attractively. ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:45 am (UTC)Yup, they said that Yasu stayed up late practicing guitar (and writing lyrics, I guess, since they read off some lyrics he'd been writing) and was still awake when they went for him the first night. Then they went back the second night a little earlier, and he said he'd gone to sleep maybe 20 minutes before. Then they all gave him a hard time about how he needs to sleep for. That would be why Yasu was so much more chipper than the rest of them, who actually got woken up out of sound sleep.
In short, even when it comes to these kind of waking up things, K8 is made of fail. XD I love them.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:56 am (UTC)Why do I suspect that one of Subaru's three wishes would be for the permanent virility of a twenty-year-old? ♥
OHHH. That's right, I remember Subaru reading his lyrics! This is part of what I'm gonna ask Mer to translate! :D Or I'll just convince her to watch the whole thing with me and translate as we go. I'll see if she wants fic in return, or something, because I feel bad asking her to translate every time I see K8 do something funny. XDDD
Eito's fail is amazing. I love Yoko's bobbing around all dazed. And Hina blurting out loudly when he hears them. Just. Endless amusement. XDDD
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:05 am (UTC)I think I can figure out most of the lyrics, but you're probably better off asking Mer, seeing as she actually knows Japanese. XD From what I can tell, though, it's...very Yasu-ish, if slightly emo-sounding. He writes pretty lyrics.
Yeah, Yoko was funny because he was all "I knew this was coming, I just didn't know when..." And he lucked out since he didn't have to get dragged out of bed to go wake up more people. He and Subaru definitely got off easy, between that and being woken up in the morning instead of in the middle of the night.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 03:18 pm (UTC)Yes, it is.
*stare*
...
;)
From what I can tell, though, it's...very Yasu-ish, if slightly emo-sounding. He writes pretty lyrics.
See, one of the few upsides to not knowing the language well enough to understand more than a few words is you change focus more often. Watching Yasu as Subaru read -- awww.
See! See! Default reaction to Yasu: awww! What is he made of?
Yeah, Yoko was funny because he was all "I knew this was coming, I just didn't know when..."
XDDD Yoko believes in karma.
I'm imagining this scenario where Yoko wants Hina to sleep in his room and Hina's all :|-faced and says no and Yoko thinks, Ohhh, because only revenge would prevent sex, so he spends the next week aware but annoyed. :D
And then revenge was had and sex followed and the world righted itself to a place where Hina flippantly smacks his friends and unknowingly builds up a stack of karma against him while Yoko keeps tallying.
*BEAMS* THE END.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:35 am (UTC)Why would you do that to yourself? *HUG*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 05:58 am (UTC)I liked the con even more than Heat Up!
And the bonus features are adorable and flaily and man, do it for your mental health if nothing else! :D They make lots of happy.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:03 am (UTC)But, haha, okay I could do it for my mental health. Plus, it would probably help me for fic writing purposes to actually watch more things with K8 in.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 03:22 pm (UTC)Yay! It's fantastic and shiny and hot and YAY! :D Enjoy! :D:D:D
Plus, it would probably help me for fic writing purposes to actually watch more things with K8 in.
Yes. *____*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 08:39 pm (UTC)I feel that if/when I finish said fic... it's not really going to be that exciting.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 07:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:39 am (UTC)Subaru: ...That is not where I left you.
the dialogue of WIN!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 06:40 am (UTC)and did Yasu actually go to sleep WITH his red bracelet on??? *more reason to go rewatch*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 06:43 am (UTC)He did! Understandable though. He says he never takes it off. I liked Hina's anklet, too. Somehow ridiculously hot. O___o I love jewelry on boys.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 07:30 am (UTC)yeah Yasu said he never takes them off...now I'm actually wondering where the hell Subaru's blue one 'disappeared'...
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:52 am (UTC)Also I was gonna explain some of it for you in more detail cause I understood alot and all 3 of my close friends are fluent in japanese. So I usually understand alot more when I talk to them about certain shows/clips etc. Anyway, Ilana beat me to it. So if you're interested I can go on a bit about Yoko's! XD
Yoko was adorable, He did in fact expect the others to get him back eventually. But he was kinda freaked out when he woke up and saw them. XD Funny thing is I he was having a dream I can't figure out if it was related to the dream he was having or not (I think it was) But when the others first came in he thought they were there to kill him. XD It's funny, they were like "Ohayo!" to him but Yoko was pissed off "Hara tatsu wa" was his response, basically means "I am pissed off/angry" something along those lines. Hee, he was so startled and it turned out it was just his buddies in colored jumpsuits. Oh Yoko <33 Ok and I forgot the rest. I fail at explaining. -_- I think that was most of the funniest parts. You know aside from maru going "Good morning genius!" because Yoko's shirt said tensai. And Yoko saying "DAISAIKO!" really loudly and getting scolded for it. XD Ok i am sure that was all very obvious to you already. Sorry for the lame, I am just gonna go now.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 06:12 am (UTC)POOR YOKO. XDDDD
The poor thing looked terrified when he'd just woken up -- awww. ♥♥♥
My imagination says Hina comforted him later. With his mouth.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 07:34 am (UTC)"My imagination says Hina comforted him later. With his mouth"
YES LET'S GO WITH THAT. XD
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:13 pm (UTC)If I ever suffer amnesia, and forget why I adore him, someone show me that. I'll remember. XDDDD
It's fun having fluent people around! ♥ (Even better when they're as wonderful as Merry-sensei. ♥!!!)
XDDDDD Oh, Yoko. Poor baby. *DYING*
I have a question -- what does Daiseiko mean?
Oh, and they kept mocking Hina for what he was blurting -- do you know why?
AND! (Hee, sorry, I'm excited.) I'm pretty sure they said something about Subaru's choice of sleeping outfit. Right after, "Pfft," I thought, "He fights crime in his sleep, too!" XDDD Somehow I don't think that's the intent, but it amuses me nonetheless.
Not lame! I appreciate it! ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:46 pm (UTC)And actually the two people who made the zenkoku47 translate comm for the PB are two of my good buddies and penpals, Shiokazehime and solitair. Hee, I was actually responsible for introducing shio to fuu and asked her to ok more like DEMANDED she go and join fuu, if she wanted to translate the PB. XD Hee I was whining at both since I bought the PB and I don't know a word of written japanese. XD But the comm was totally fuu's idea and....why am i going on about this? XD Sorry sorry.
Oh! "Daiseiko!" means "Big success!" Hee although all the boys agreed Yasu's was a total failure in the end. And I was talking to fuu last night about how cheesy Yasu's lyrics sounded to me even though I didn't understand them all. And she was like "THEY WERE SO CHEESY AND THE OTHERS WERE LIKE OMG IS THIS ATASHI KAGAMI2? ATASHI KAGAMI2?"
I am about died laughing, the look of amusement on subaru's face as he reads it is pretty hilarious in itself though. He got beat on so much, I remember he called subaru an "aho" for something so subaru jumped on him. XD
Dude I don't remember what word you mean exacty with hina. I will go re-watch that and get back to you. Worst comes to worst I can just wait till fuu or shio pop later today (our timezones are very different so I seem them around nighttime usually) and ask them about it.
I do know off the of my head though that, they kept asking hina to do an ippatsugei and he kept doing such lame ones that they always were like "sorry we asked, nevermind" afterwards. XD I seriously expected hina to chase them out of the room at first.
LOL YES IT'S SHIROI RANGER! XD Actually I remember Hina calling Subaru an ossan/old man because of that outfit. But I dont remember what the rest said at all. I need to watch these things twice or even three times to understand some of it. Subaru just wanted to go out in that outfit and said he could just go as "white ranger" but the others weren't having it.
I'll go rewatch the dokkiri parts again today, my classes ended yesterday so I don't mind helpin' out and Like I said even if I don't know it one of my friends surely will! :D
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 06:10 am (UTC)But while Subaru's reading, Yasu looks so solemn! And deer-in-the-headlightsy. XDDD Poor sweetie.
Do you know what the poem/lyrics said? ♥
XDDD I was astonished at Hina's patience, especially considering they'd ambushed him. Oh! Question! Why didn't they make Hina get out of bed and go with them?
...XDDD Subaru. I rewatched that part before my nine hours of finals (oh, university, how you slay me) and it kept me amused at random intervals throughout the day.
Hee, thank you for telling me all this! You're a peach. *HUG*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 07:11 am (UTC)Hee, Yasu was looking at subaru very intently. But I think that maybe because Yasu just values Subaru's opinion on the matter very highly. I dunno that's what i think and it sounds like that was the first time anyone in eito heard it. So I guess he was wondering about the reaction. Or at least baru's reaction. XD Yasu is so cute with that "does he like it?" face. *squishes him*
As for what the lyrics themselves said. I only vaguely, vaguely understood it. I got the tone, general gist. It's another sappy love song. Hence the "watashikagami2!" comments. It is really very much in the same vein. I'd just ask fuu for a direct trans anyway but I already pestered her to translate some subaru solos for me. "window" and "everyday music" to be exact. So I'd feel a little bad pestering her for more.
I think hina's patience had alot to do with camera's being there and this whole skit being for the benefit of the fan's amusement. If you listen to Yoko you can hear him mention a few times how this is for the DVD and alot if not all the dokkiri's were used in the concerts throughout the tour. I dunno I just doubt that if Yoko randomly decided to go around waking up the members of K8 for shits and giggles that it would blow over as smoothly as it did in the dvd. At that point he would have REAL reason to fear for his life then. XD Srs if Hina didn't kill him, I have a feeling Maru sure as hell would. XD
Anyway I rewatched the hina bit and wrote down the exact times he said things and fuu corrected my mistakes so this should be what hina shouted at them in both his dokkiri bits. However this comment is already too damn long so I am gonna post in another one. And as for why he was not there. They stated that he just didn't come and from what I got out of it, Hina just chose not to tag along.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:07 pm (UTC)Ahahaha! Loved them tormenting Hina. And the black and red "HA HA HA HA HA"s that sprinkled the screen -- so cataclysmic. XDDDD
But yes, my favorite part is definitely the snake. I liked all the white too, because my immediate reaction was, "Pffft."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-13 07:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 04:33 pm (UTC)Subaru's first thoughts upon waking up. Drabble. GO! :D
Karma <3
Date: 2007-12-12 05:29 pm (UTC)Unnnh -- "Why?"
"Oyahou gozaimasu~!"
Gigglingcacklingsnickering --
Fuck.
Whisperinghissinggiggling --
Yasu smiling up there, not down here --
Why is he dressed?
"Ohayou gozaimasu~!"
"Ohayo" assholes.
Re: Karma <3
Date: 2007-12-12 05:33 pm (UTC)So awesome. I love you. I love them. :D
Re: Karma <3
Date: 2007-12-14 06:45 am (UTC)awesomeness!