the brave little playwright ♥
Dec. 11th, 2007 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zukkokya♥ Just saw my actors in Kate Crackernuts! I'm so proud of them. ♥♥♥! And the show itself is fantastic. I'm in love. Completely. The Sheep's speech at the end -- I'm sorry I can't remember it now -- it unlocked something in my heart. (Yes. Sheep. Baaaah. That kind. Seriously. XDDD)
I've been so afraid of this play I'm writing now, and of telling the story I want to tell wrong. I sent an early draft to my professor -- the head of the theatre department, the head of the playwriting program and my mentor -- and he responded, "Essentially it’s a story you’ve been wanting to write since your first play."
He's right, and it's petrifying. Exhilarating, terrifying, wonderful, awful, beautiful and ragged. I love this play, even though I've said over and over that I hate it. I don't hate it -- I hate how I've told it. I avoided writing it for weeks because I didn't want to show that much of myself. I didn't want to bleed ink onto the page. But tonight, seeing my friends and my actors onstage and listening to this weird, gorgeous story, I remembered what it can be to be a writer.
It's isolated. Warm. Radiant. Weightless. Effortless. It's a release. It's pure. I remembered my story, and the love I want everyone to feel. The same warmth and radiance and weightlessness that I feel when I imagine the story.
I had a horrible moment this week -- what triggered it isn't important anymore. I'd heard my play read aloud, and how trite it sounded. This story was not the story I want to tell. These characters were not the people I love. I left the building and stood in the rock garden, staring into the damp, smoky clouds and wanting someone to come after me and tell me what I'd just heard was only a nightmare. But I couldn't face anyone, so I went back inside and up to my room. My empty room. I paused in front of my bed, unearthed my cell phone from my bag and considered who I wanted to see me this heartbroken. I put the phone away, convinced I couldn't speak, and visited the room of one of my fellow playwrights, but she wasn't there. In the stairwell, one flight from my floor, I collapsed.
I felt, so strongly, that I'd betrayed myself. I wasn't brave enough to tell this story, so I cheapened it by writing close to the surface. I'd betrayed myself and my play.
I've never felt more ashamed of myself.
Since then, I've been comforted over and over by my friends and peers. Some understand better than others how much it hurts to think you've failed so publicly. What they've said to me helped a great deal, and I wouldn't imagine my life now without them. ♥
Kate Mulgrew told me recently that I would find the most frightening way of knowing myself completely in my solitude.
Tonight, after watching Sheila Callaghan's play, seeing so much raw truth and utter strangeness, I'm starting to understand.
I believe bravery is infinite. Love, in any form -- be it for yourself, a craft, a person -- is courage.
I love this story, and as long as I love it, it will be honest.
And honesty, I think, is all I ever want to aim for. In writing and in life.
♥ All this from a play called "Kate Crackernuts."
The tagline they're using to draw a crowd is, "Grab your nuts." I ... really love my major. XDDD
♥ I saw David and Jake after the show, and I hugged them both and I told them I'm proud of them and they'll always be my actors to me. I love those boys. My genius actors. *BEAMS*
♥ JE Epilogue Meme. I don't usually ask to be cheered up, but I think I could stand to do it more often. ♥
♥ Classes are finished! And still this is the busiest week imaginable. O__o Someone explain this to me, please. On the upside, my End-of-Semester massage got moved to tomorrow, so I had a full hour to write Yoko/Hina/Subaru and Subassan. ♥ :D
♥ I have to mention this because I watched it last night and I'm still rolling --
Reason Number 72*WEWJU@*&@@ Why Subaru is Amazing:
Half-awake whipping himself with a plastic snake moaning "kimochi."
Whenever I think I can't love him more. XDDD
Also, ridiculously hot/adorable half awake.
That whole hour, in fact, is magical. XDDD Ryo's such a puppy. And Ohkura smiling patiently because he's very amused by his psychotic coworkers. Hina going along with them because he recognizes karma. Cranky Yasu getting smacked, poked and slapped minutes after a Kanjani8 wake-up call. Yoko flailing with *_* face. BEWILDERED MARU. XDDD
When Merry-sensei gets back from Japan, I'm begging for a translation.
♥ Overall, am sleepy, but I'm happy. &hearts♥♥
Today's Hot Moment!
きょうのかっこいいしゅんかん!
Yasu: Oyahou gozaimasu!
Subaru: ...That is not where I left you.
チュ
-キラキラ！
♥♥♥
I've been so afraid of this play I'm writing now, and of telling the story I want to tell wrong. I sent an early draft to my professor -- the head of the theatre department, the head of the playwriting program and my mentor -- and he responded, "Essentially it’s a story you’ve been wanting to write since your first play."
He's right, and it's petrifying. Exhilarating, terrifying, wonderful, awful, beautiful and ragged. I love this play, even though I've said over and over that I hate it. I don't hate it -- I hate how I've told it. I avoided writing it for weeks because I didn't want to show that much of myself. I didn't want to bleed ink onto the page. But tonight, seeing my friends and my actors onstage and listening to this weird, gorgeous story, I remembered what it can be to be a writer.
It's isolated. Warm. Radiant. Weightless. Effortless. It's a release. It's pure. I remembered my story, and the love I want everyone to feel. The same warmth and radiance and weightlessness that I feel when I imagine the story.
I had a horrible moment this week -- what triggered it isn't important anymore. I'd heard my play read aloud, and how trite it sounded. This story was not the story I want to tell. These characters were not the people I love. I left the building and stood in the rock garden, staring into the damp, smoky clouds and wanting someone to come after me and tell me what I'd just heard was only a nightmare. But I couldn't face anyone, so I went back inside and up to my room. My empty room. I paused in front of my bed, unearthed my cell phone from my bag and considered who I wanted to see me this heartbroken. I put the phone away, convinced I couldn't speak, and visited the room of one of my fellow playwrights, but she wasn't there. In the stairwell, one flight from my floor, I collapsed.
I felt, so strongly, that I'd betrayed myself. I wasn't brave enough to tell this story, so I cheapened it by writing close to the surface. I'd betrayed myself and my play.
I've never felt more ashamed of myself.
Since then, I've been comforted over and over by my friends and peers. Some understand better than others how much it hurts to think you've failed so publicly. What they've said to me helped a great deal, and I wouldn't imagine my life now without them. ♥
Kate Mulgrew told me recently that I would find the most frightening way of knowing myself completely in my solitude.
Tonight, after watching Sheila Callaghan's play, seeing so much raw truth and utter strangeness, I'm starting to understand.
I believe bravery is infinite. Love, in any form -- be it for yourself, a craft, a person -- is courage.
I love this story, and as long as I love it, it will be honest.
And honesty, I think, is all I ever want to aim for. In writing and in life.
♥ All this from a play called "Kate Crackernuts."
The tagline they're using to draw a crowd is, "Grab your nuts." I ... really love my major. XDDD
♥ I saw David and Jake after the show, and I hugged them both and I told them I'm proud of them and they'll always be my actors to me. I love those boys. My genius actors. *BEAMS*
♥ JE Epilogue Meme. I don't usually ask to be cheered up, but I think I could stand to do it more often. ♥
♥ Classes are finished! And still this is the busiest week imaginable. O__o Someone explain this to me, please. On the upside, my End-of-Semester massage got moved to tomorrow, so I had a full hour to write Yoko/Hina/Subaru and Subassan. ♥ :D
♥ I have to mention this because I watched it last night and I'm still rolling --
Reason Number 72*WEWJU@*&@@ Why Subaru is Amazing:
Half-awake whipping himself with a plastic snake moaning "kimochi."
Whenever I think I can't love him more. XDDD
Also, ridiculously hot/adorable half awake.
That whole hour, in fact, is magical. XDDD Ryo's such a puppy. And Ohkura smiling patiently because he's very amused by his psychotic coworkers. Hina going along with them because he recognizes karma. Cranky Yasu getting smacked, poked and slapped minutes after a Kanjani8 wake-up call. Yoko flailing with *_* face. BEWILDERED MARU. XDDD
When Merry-sensei gets back from Japan, I'm begging for a translation.
♥ Overall, am sleepy, but I'm happy. &hearts♥♥
Today's Hot Moment!
きょうのかっこいいしゅんかん!
Yasu: Oyahou gozaimasu!
Subaru: ...That is not where I left you.
チュ
-キラキラ！
♥♥♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 06:03 am (UTC)But, haha, okay I could do it for my mental health. Plus, it would probably help me for fic writing purposes to actually watch more things with K8 in.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 03:22 pm (UTC)Yay! It's fantastic and shiny and hot and YAY! :D Enjoy! :D:D:D
Plus, it would probably help me for fic writing purposes to actually watch more things with K8 in.
Yes. *____*
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 08:39 pm (UTC)I feel that if/when I finish said fic... it's not really going to be that exciting.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 07:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-12 09:47 pm (UTC)